Conspiracy Unraveled

What I am about to tell you is top secret. In fact, the mere publishing of this article might end up costing me my life, if not the integrity of my eternal soul. What I have unearthed is of such sensitive nature, that I do not only fear for my life, but also for those who are close to me.

I learned of this conspiracy a month ago during my stay in majestic London, a place I have visited many a times in this life and others.

The nature of the secret is that I know who has orchestrated the latest attack on Astrology. I know the secret society that has unleashed the internet craze about the “new” 13th sign and the so called “shift of the zodiac signs.” While most people think it was the work of an otherwise unknown astronomer, Parke Kunkle, whose only claim to notoriety was being misunderstood by a rather questionable reporter from the Minnesota Star Tribune. A journalist whose article was since taken off the newspaper’s web site due to embarrassing inaccuracies regarding how inaccurate astrology is.

The Background:

Let me warn you, that if you choose to continue reading the next few paragraphs you too can be in grave danger.

Since the conception of the Zodiac in ancient Babylon, the sign Virgo, represented by the maiden who was not even allowed to experience sexual pleasures, was assigned to servitude. Virgo had to rule service, it had no choice, since the sign right before is Leo, the King. Since the latter sign is so charismatic and possess leonine charm, he was assigned all the privileges of aristocratic life such as: lavish parties, entertainment, celebrity, sports, fame, glory, royalty, love and children. Thus Virgo, by default, was created as the sign whose duty it was to clean up the mess left after the “grand ball” that is Leo.

If Leo is the diva, Virgo is the handler.

If Leo is the spoiled brat, Virgo is the nanny.

If Leo is the director, Virgo must be the editor.

If Leo is gets drunk, Virgo holds their hair as they bow to the porcelain goddess.

If Leo is the king, Virgo is naturally the servant.

But no more!

Virgos have finally had enough!

The Conspirators:

Six monks and six nuns gathered secretly in a distant underground bunker in Minnesota. A place built by a Virgo that believes the US government, currently lead by a Leo, would one day come after their second amendment right to bear arms. The Virgo committee had but one agenda and that was to break the ageless yoke of slavery to Leo, and liberate all Virgos around the world from their unholy attributions that include:

  • Service
  • Obsessive compulsiveness
  • Attention to small details
  • Criticism
  • Diet
  • Work
  • Self-deprecation
  • Disease
  • Animas
  • Analytical

Why should Virgos around the world have to agree to these kinds of traits? Should not the other signs of the zodiac, especially spoiled Leo, bear some of the load?

The Virgo committee of twelve monks and nuns cleverly crafted a comprehensive plan for their liberation and being meticulous, wrote a document detailing their plan. The deed was signed at precisely 3:02:41am CST, on January 4th 2011, a total Solar eclipse, which the Virgos knew was an inauspicious and terrible time for the ruling class. The rising sign at that time, in that place, was Scorpio, which turned out to be extremely important in executing their sinister plan to overthrow the King.

The committee of Virgo had to bring Scorpio, the sign of conspiracies, on board. If the Virgos wanted to transform their destiny and murder the King, they had to hire Scorpio, the sign of death and transformation. So Scorpio was promised additional territories along the path of the Sun’s eclipses by adding a fictitious 13th sign with a name no one can pronounce (on purpose), which roughly translates to the “Serpent-Bearer.” Of course this was a cynical and sinister choice of name, mainly designed to ridicule Aquarius, the Water-Bearer, which is the opposite sign of Leo. Bear in mind, the 13th card in the Tarot is called Death and as you guessed, it is the card of Scorpio.

Once everything was ready, the Virgo committee brought together a desperate reporter and a hungry stargazer. The offspring of their union was an article about a new 13th sign and the shift of the zodiac. The fact that these two issues were known to astrologers and astronomers for thousands of years did not prevent the spreading of the “news” all over the world, causing much confusion. Alas, some people went as far as removing their zodiac tattoos, while other lost souls experienced profound identity crisis resulting in a dramatic increase of psychotherapy visitations.

The Backlash:

Since Virgo is ruled by Mercury, they used their connection with the messenger of the gods, and the misinformation about the so called “New Astrology Signs” spread over the internet, twitter and blogosphere at godly speed. The “news” was carried by Mercury’s wings to television with special segments featuring the “New Astrology” appearing on all the major networks.

Here are the dates of the “New Signs” as published by no other than The Washington Post, a prestigious newspaper that also fell prey to the hoax:

Aries: April 18-May 13

Taurus: May 13-June 21

Gemini: June 21-July 20

Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10

Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16

Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30

Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23

Scorpio: Nov. 23-Dec. 17

Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16

Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11

Pisces: March 11-April 18

Notice the bolded dates referring to the signs Virgo and Leo. The Virgo clan used to rule the dates of Aug 23-Sep 22nd and now, after the revolution, it governs Sep 16-Oct 30th! Virgo at last, is no longer the sign of service. Indeed they have managed to break the fetters of servitude under the “New” Astrology. If you look closely, under the newly branded astrology, Leo falls on the dates that used to be occupied by Virgo! And now Virgo, the sign of the Old Maiden, rules the dates that were before associated with Libra, the sign of Beauty and Marriage. How about that? A facelift and a new palace. Virgos all over the world celebrated, the tables have turned, the revolution a success. The King is dead, long live the kind!

But Mercury, the ruler of Virgo, who is also the god of tricksters, did not look fondly at Virgo’s attempts to break away from his rule. He felt betrayed, abused and taken for granted. Why would they be so eager to replace me? He thought to himself? Have I not taken good care of them for all these thousands of years? Since his rhetorical failed to be answered, he decided to conspire against the conspirators.

The counter-Revolution:

Mercury, who is among other things, is the trickster god, tempted Allstate Insurance (who like the kind professor and his confused reporter were lusting for free PR) to publish a “study” that showed that Virgos were involved in the most amount of car accidents in 2010, while Scorpios were the least likely to have been involved in accidents in the same year. Notice how Virgo and Scorpio were shadily placed together in the so-called study’s results.

This PR stunt created an internet craze, a twitter grand-chirp and a media uproar forcing the ill-advised Allstate to issue numerous apologies. Needless to say, they did a horrible job defending themselves, however, to explain the results of the study and what it really means, many honest astrologers were asked by editors, bloggers and reporters to elucidate, fair and square, what this “New Astrology” is all about and why the 13th sign was never welcomed to the zodiac, just like the 13th evil godmother, was never invited to Sleeping Beauty’s birthday.

It took less than a week after the Allstate fiasco for the internet’s obsession with the 13th sign and zodiac shift to calm down. Less and less articles were published on these subjects and the world calmly returned to normal. Aries is Aries and Pisces is Pisces and the wheel of time continues to turn. Mercury, so it seems, rested his case, and Virgo returned to rule their former zodiacal real-estate extending from August 23rd to September 22nd, the time in the year associated with service, harvest and purification.

Comforting Words:

I thank you for reading this tale and taking the time out of your busy life to see the workings of myths. If you are a Virgo, do not worry, it is a great sign and many a lifetimes I have been a proud Virgo. My all-time favorite heroin is Queen Elizabeth I, a Virgo who is also known as the Virgin Queen. Without the dedicated work of Virgos nothing would have been possible on this planet. But what makes Virgo such a powerful and divinely inspiring sign is their humble, unassuming, devotion to creation.

In Kabbalah, Virgo is associated with the Hebrew letter Yod, the hand of God. While it is the smallest letter, it is said that all the other letters are constructed by different combinations of Yod. Therefore, Leo would not be Leo without Virgo at it side. Yod, and therefore Virgo, is associated with the divine spark, God’s DNA.

This is how the letter looks: Not bad for one sign.

The moral of the tale:

Be happy with what you are and accept it humbly. If you are an astronomer, stick to stargazing, leave astrology to astrologers. If you are a reporter, check your facts and if you are a Virgo, be happy serving.

If anyone wants to organize a worldwide Virgo Pride Parade, count me in, I will use my Pisces Rising and dance on a float.